WrestleMania 13

Four Way Tag Team Elimination Match
The Godwinns vs. The Headbangers vs. Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon vs. The New Blackjacks
My spirit is instantly broken with the arrival of the horrid Godwinns, and already I know it is going to take me more than one sitting to get through this show, because this opening match is going to send me straight to sleep. The WWF shows footage of the original Blackjacks, who were good, then we get a promo with the latest incarnation, who are not. I quite like both of the members, but Barry Windham was great in the 80s and horrible in the late 90s, whereas it took Bradshaw until a couple of years into the next millennium to become useful. Furnas and LaFon shouldn’t even be anywhere near this nonsense, they should be working with tag champions Owen Hart and Davey Boy Smith. This is a pretty terrible choice to open the show and it certainly is not a WrestleMania calibre match. I don’t think I have ever heard a crowd so dead for the opening match of this event. Doug Furnas tries to change that with a superb rana, but Bradshaw belts him back down to prevent any further exciting moves. Jerry Lawler points out the stupidity of the match by asking what happens if one guy pins his own teammate, which Vince laughs off. The Blackjacks and the Furnas & LaFon brawl on the outside and Bradshaw throws the referee to the floor, and gets his team disqualified. At least I assume they do, because the bell rings but no announcement is made. It seems Furnas & LaFon have been counted out in the commotion as well, which leaves us with the eye poison that is the Godwinns vs. the Headbangers. Sometimes I just want to punch Vince directly in the mouth for forcing this kind of thing on us. Thrasher and HOG make an absolute meal of a corner spot which would have looked amateur hour on an Indy show, never mind the biggest card of the year. Thrasher and PIG have a spitting contest as the quality continues to astound. The Bangers do some dives on Henry and then work a mini-heat, as they are suddenly heels it seems, which means Phineas gets the “hot” tag. He does some horrible stuff, the most unforgivable being the incredibly telegraphed cut-off he orchestrates when he has the Slop Drop set up, and he purposely turns 180 so he can be cut off, with as much subtly as he has wrestling ability. The Bangers win after a Mosh cannonball, and their reward is a tag title shot on Raw tomorrow. Yes, the WWF are using WRESTLEMANA to set up a nothing bout on free television. What a horrific way to open any show, never mind WrestleMania.
Final Rating: ¼*

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