Rock Bottom

Buried Alive Match
Steve Austin vs. The Undertaker
Michael Cole shows his worth by describing the headstone by the grave as weighing “3000 pounds”, which is the equivalent of about six Yokozunas. For anyone unaware, the rules of this match are simple: you have to bury your opponent alive. Not just anywhere of course, but in a handily placed pre-dug grave. It is like a Casket Match, but with less opportunity for drama and much more convoluted. Given the rules, or rather lack thereof, this starts in the aisle and the majority of the match is fought away from the ring. To paraphrase the League of Gentlemen: “Wrestling? There’s nothing for you here!” I don’t mind a good ringside brawl when done right, such as some of the wild ones that used to take place in Memphis or some promotions in Japan, but this is not a good one. Punches? Yep, plenty of them. Silly use of scenery and weaponry? Yeah, we have that too. Walking around and not really doing anything? Sadly, also yes. Wrestling? NO. This is “sportz entertainment” dammit! Why are they even wearing wrestling gear for a match like this? Surely street clothes would be more appropriate? They tease the grave but this is never ending this early, then opt to brawl away from the objective of the match and fight at ringside again. Taker hits a chair to the head, which gets almost no reaction (desensitisation does that) and a chokeslam, which doesn’t really help his cause given the gravesite is way up the aisle. The crowd are bored as hell, and Michael Cole’s “they are in awe” nonsense doesn’t wash with me. In awe of what exactly? The snail’s pace of the action or the shittiness of the concept? One fan is so in awe that when they brawl back to the grave, he throws a drink at Taker, which lands mere inches from his head and gets the loudest reaction of the match. Taker nods his head and has a look that says “If I find you, I will kill you” and then tries to bury Austin in the “six foot deep” grave. If it really is that deep, then Austin and Taker are both 12-feet tall. Austin escapes and hits a Stunner that sends Taker into the pit, but the wheelbarrow Austin uses to try and cover Taker with isn’t big enough, so he disappears to find better tools. All of a sudden, a cute little explosion comes from the grave and Kane climbs out, to make this even sillier than it was already. It gets worse. Kane hits Taker with a Tombstone on the gravesite and dumps him in the grave, then disappears as Austin returns with a bulldozer. Whoever is driving it is clearly a moron and takes an age to pour the dirt onto Taker, and it barely covers him anyway. Austin tells the driver to put more on but he can’t do that right either, so Austin takes matters into his own hands and gets a shovel, but not before saying “Can you believe this crap?” to the referee. No-one watching can, Steve. The ref gives up and calls it for Austin, and everyone leaves as he celebrates. I can’t blame them. Austin is a mess afterwards, covered in the horrid combination of mud, sweat and beer, like a cheap slut who has just been nailed in some woods behind a bar. I feel just as dirty for having sat through this steaming pile of excrement.
Final Rating: DUD

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