Arnold Furious: We start with the Lex Express and Flexi Lexi talking about his love of the USA. He’s coming to save the motherfuckin’ day, yeah! We’re in Manhattan, New York. Hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage and Bobby Heenan.
WWF Intercontinental Championship
Shawn Michaels (c) vs. Marty Jannetty
Vince reminds us that Jannetty beat Shawn for the strap on Raw two months ago, which is part of the reason why Shawn recruited a bodyguard in Diesel. Because Jannetty has won this match before, the fans are excited at the prospect of lightning striking twice. Poor Marty, he is just weeks away from a career derailing destruction at the hands of Ludvig Borga. I would say it’s a waste of talent but Jannetty wasted his own talent. Here Marty flips out of everything Shawn brings and goes for multiple flash pins as that’s how he won the belt before. They work some wonderful counters with Michaels getting progressively more frustrated that Jannetty dodges all his best stuff. Shawn makes a point of throwing himself into spots with reckless abandon. Most people just can’t do that. It takes a special kind of person to throw their body around like that. Jannetty isn’t quite at Shawn’s level, which he was back in May. Marty upsets Shawn with a surprise DDT but Shawn’s foot is on the rope and Diesel has to jump in there to tell Earl Hebner he screwed up a three-count. Heenan shows Earl the replay during the ad break and when we return the match is back on. Jannetty gets a sleeper as Shawn hasn’t been able to cope with Jannetty’s enthusiasm. Shawn gets out and it’s Marty’s turn to take a big bump through the ropes. Another ad break sees Shawn take over after a cheap shot through the ropes. Unfortunately they come back with Shawn hooking a chinlock. That’s supposed to be for DURING the ad break guys. The commentators put over how much effort has gone into this match and both guys, when paired up with suitable opponents, bring that massive effort. Shawn goes for a big powerbomb only for Marty to counter into a rana for a huge near fall, with Vince getting suitably excited. Jannetty rolls through a crossbody for another energetic near fall. This has become a real barnburner. Jannetty goes big on the ropes but crashes and burns. Diesel picks him up, throws him back inside and Shawn throws an arm over him for the pin. Shawn retains thanks to his bodyguard and Marty’s stupidity. Another great TV match between Shawn and Marty. Sadly for Jannetty, these guys went in opposite directions from here. Jannetty wasn’t in the WWF’s plans because he was a tad unpredictable while Shawn would eventually become “The Man”.
Final Rating: ****¼
Promo Time: Money Inc
Vince riles them up immediately by mentioning they lost to The Steiners. IRS talks about how everybody cheats on their taxes. Get some new material, for crying out loud. Talk about stuck in a rut! Ted switches gears to barrack Razor Ramon for losing to Sean Waltman, which brings out ‘The Bad Guy’ to retort. Ted offers him a job as a domestic to compensate for losing his 10k to the Kid. Razor turns down the “trabaho”. Razor takes offence at DiBiase’s tone, not to mention getting slapped by a wad of cash, and lays Money Inc. out. This would lead to a freshly turned Razor facing Ted DiBiase at SummerSlam. DiBiase challenges the 1-2-3 Kid to show Razor what a joke he is.
Men on a Mission vs. Rich Myers & Hank Harris
An example of Oscar’s terrible rapping: “whose number one? Men on a Mish-on”. Sick rhymes, man. Poor Rich Myers, he always gets fed to the nastiest opponents. Mabel squashes him, literally, while Vince gets orgasmic about his physique. Harris is a bigger guy with a pudgy body. Mabel makes him look tiny. Oscar gets in the way of the finish, proving himself completely useless. That camera was aiming at the action, you blithering imbecile. Mabel basically fell on the jobber to win.
Final Rating: DUD
Video Control goes to Mean Gene and the SummerSlam Report where he’s dancing to Men on a Mission’s music. Now I hate them even more. He mentions Undertaker-Gonzalez for SummerSlam and Luger’s challenge to Yokozuna. Yep, it’s another bad 1993 card, folks.
Video Control is kept busy by Vince, who throws to the Lex Express. Luger is travelling the country in a hideous AMERICABUS to drum up grass roots support for his title shot. I love that the bus has an ICOPRO advert on it. They were just obsessed with trying to sell people ICOPRO in 1993.
Bastion Booger vs. Scott Despres
I differ on my opinion of Mike Shaw. James seems to think he was decent in Stampede. I thought he sucked. Makhan Singh was one of the least important guys in the territory. Bastion Booger is perhaps his worst gimmick, although that’s debatable. It allows him to showcase how fat he was, but that’s about it. Poor Scott Despres gets squashed. Normally I don’t rate squashes but this one was offensively bad, it was a complete waste of time.
Final Rating: DUD
The King’s Court: Lawler’s guest is 60s musician Tiny Tim, a ukulele player who did a famously creepy high-pitched cover of ‘Tiptoe Through the Tulips’. The WWF: their finger 30 years off the pulse. After seeing Insidious I can’t listen to that damn song. It freaks me out. Tiny Tim is one of those freak-show acts that Tim Burton must have loved. Jerry Lawler requests a few bars of ‘…Tulips’, which thankfully he cuts off. Tiny Tim plays the whole thing straight. “I’m walking the streets and doing wonderful things” says Tim when asked what he’s doing now. The crowd finally turn on the segment and drown Lawler out by chanting “we want Bret”. Tim tells Lawler he’s not a Burger King, he’s a Dairy Queen. Lawler doesn’t sock him in the jaw, thus rendering the whole segment useless. Lawler smashes up the ukulele, causing Tim to break down in tears. I was begging for a piledriver here.
1-2-3 Kid vs. Chris Duffy
Duffy looks like a cross between Bob Backlund and Shane Douglas. He is goofy. Ted DiBiase comes out to scout while Kid unloads with kicks. Razor Ramon shows up too. This time Kid has a flat out jobber to work with, so he can get his stuff in. Kid puts a beating on Duffy until he’s overpowered. Overpowered by a jobber. Tragic. Strength was never Kid’s game. He clocks Duffy with a spin kick and leg jams the back of his head for the win.
Final Rating: *¼
THE RAW RECAP
Most Entertaining: Shawn Michaels.
Least Entertaining: Oscar. The worst thing to happen to rap in wrestling, ever.
Quote of the Night: “I’ll show Mr. Machismo what a real man can do” – Ted DiBiase sticks it to Razor Ramon.
Match of the Night: Shawn Michaels vs. Marty Jannetty.
Summary: The show started incredibly with Shawn and Marty, and the Kid squash at the end was ok. Everything in the middle was horrible. What did the Tiny Tim thing achieve? Jerry Lawler was already over with a bunch of cheap heat, he didn’t need any more. The crowd just wanted Bret Hart to come out and kick Lawler’s ass. It boggles the mind that the same company put on Shawn and Marty in a MOTYC to open the show and then followed it with the Tiny Tim nonsense. That’s the WWF for you. It’s a constant battle to actually get good wrestling. In order to get there you have to wade through all the crap.