Arnold Furious: We’re in Manhattan, New York. Hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage and Bobby Heenan. Vince opens with footage of last week’s Quebec Province Rules tag title match.
Scott Steiner vs. Pierre Ouellet
Pierre is just announced as “Pierre” so I’ve added in his surname. Vince proclaims this is under “New York City rules”, which presumably is just the normal rules. Johnny Polo complains as Scott comes off the top rope and then throws Pierre over the top. That’s two retroactive Quebec Province Rules disqualifications. Scotty goes for the trifecta with a piledriver. Scott tries for a Mutalock but blows it. It’s really not easy to do. Savage calls it a “variation on the pretzel move” because Muta has never worked here, and indeed never will, so he’s persona non grata. Scott hits a sweet belly-to-belly off the top before chasing off both Polo and Pierre with Polo’s hockey stick. They come back out with Jacques. Rick joins the fray, so now all the players are in place. I love how Pierre pearl harbours Scott and Rick, standing in the ring, goes to save and realises he’s not in the match. Instead he opts to threaten Jacques with a chair. Vince reminds us, once again, that its New York City Rules.
NYC Rule 572b: Rick Steiner may threaten Canadians with a chair if suitably provoked.
Polo earns his managerial crust by distracting the ref while Scott has it won with a sunset flip. Pierre runs through some uninspired heat, which is one of the reasons why The Quebecers never reached the next level; they were boring on offence. Which is weird because at different times during their careers they’ve been hugely exciting as heels. The crowd suddenly launch a verbal assault on Polo chanting, loudly, “Johnny Homo”. New York Rules are in force!
NYC Rule 169: New Yorkers can accuse any man who hugs other men of homosexuality. Used in accordance with Rule 125: anyone who dresses flamboyantly will be treated with great suspicion. The combination is often called the Adonis Principle. Shawn Michaels fell afoul of both rules earlier in the year.
Scotty’s comeback is weird as he first goes for flash pins. Pierre cuts him off and goes right back to the chinlock. Scott comes back again and takes it with the Frankensteiner to secure a tag title shot for the brothers. The match was ok but Pierre’s heat was tedious.
Final Rating: **½
Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Laverne McGill
McGill even gets a few dropkicks in here, although the camera angles make him look like a chump for barely landing twice. He keeps coming with those dropkicks, as if he’s got nothing else in the locker, and Bigelow starts sidestepping them. Vince takes a phone call from Crush as this one is all but over. Crush claims he’s fit and healthy, brah. Like last time, Crush ignores Randy Savage, brah, and hangs up on him. Savage is left speechless, which makes you wonder if Vince didn’t tell him about the angle beforehand. Bigelow stretches this squash out and even has Luna do some dirty work on the floor. Is McGill one of his buddies or something? Bigelow switches up the finish and uses an evil looking senton instead of the headbutt.
Final Rating: ½*
Video Control throws to Heenan getting soaked by Doink last week. Heenan claims his temperature is 113 degrees as Vince’s eyes pop out in reaction to his coughing and spluttering. Has Vince never been sick in his life? This is a somewhat subtle suggestion that Doink is turning face as he’s been getting pops. Unfortunately Matt Borne couldn’t see the gimmick through and face Doink sucked.
Promo Time: Bret Hart
Vince talks about SummerSlam and Bret going over Doink and then facing Jerry Lawler. As James Dixon mentioned Bret brought a tonne of intensity into the Lawler feud considering how little happened in the ring. Bret tells us that Lawler hasn’t beaten anybody, which is true of the WWF’s Lawler. Memphis Lawler beat EVERYBODY. Bret has no regrets about the reversed decision and says he wished he’d put the Sharpshooter on for longer. Bret would be less enthused if he knew this feud would rumble on for two years.
Mr. Perfect vs. Mike Bell
Bell looks like a heavyweight Rob Van Dam. Like Bigelow, Mr. Perfect is generous and gives Bell a few spots. The crowd respond with another “we want Shawn” chant. Perfect nails a dropkick and starts chopping and slapping away like he’s Joe Don Baker in Charley Varrick. Bell can’t take a decent bump, which gets Perfect ANGRY. “You wanna be a wrestler? I’ll show you a wrestler!” Bell sets early and jobs to the Perfectplex.
Final Rating: ½*
Video Control takes us to Ludvig Borga, Finnish badass and future failed shoot fighter. He criticises fly tipping and says the USA is a dirty, polluted country. It’s a good idea but Borga’s execution is terrible. He ends up taking weak jabs at Luger, calling him a “garbage driver”. Potential can only take you so far.
Ringside: Bobby Heenan takes us to the front row where a guy called Todd asks his Vietnamese girlfriend to marry him. She says yes despite Heenan asking her to hold his Kleenex. “You’ll be hungry again in an hour” says Heenan, sneaking in something really dirty into something pure. He also referred to Todd as an illegal immigrant.
IRS vs. PJ Walker
IRS threatens to go after all the tax cheats in the crowd before putting a beating on PJ. He deserves it. I bet he cheats on his taxes. Razor Ramon strolls out to make fun of IRS, or something, and Walker pins him with a rollup. Say, the jobber who hangs around with the Kliq goes over a name wrestler on TV? I am shocked. This was another way of getting over the “anything can happen on Raw” tagline. Yet another shocking jobber victory and merely at the expense of IRS, which makes you wonder why he didn’t just job to the 1-2-3 Kid at SummerSlam.
Final Rating: ¼*
Backstage: Bobby Heenan interviews The Quebecers, with Polo, who put over the tag teams out there (including Well Dunn) and refuse to give The Steiners a title shot next week, even though that was the stipulation. They’ll give the title shot to someone else.
THE RAW RECAP
Most Entertaining: Bobby Heenan. Owned on commentary all night and made a marriage proposal spot work. You can’t argue with The Brain.
Least Entertaining: Mike Bell. He just rubbed me, and Mr. Perfect, up the wrong way.
Quote of the Night: “You said this was New York City rules, does that mean we’re going to see winos, bums and muggers?” – Bobby Heenan.
NYC Rule 1: Winos, bums and muggers must be present at any and all wrestling matches.
Match of the Night: Scott Steiner vs. Pierre Ouellet. Didn’t have much competition, frankly.
Summary: Raw in 1993 tended to be largely uneventful compared to modern incarnations of the show. This week it’s once again a cavalcade of jobber matches highlighted by Steiner-Ouellet at the top of the card. But that match wasn’t great. If you’re going to put all your eggs in one basket, it’d better be a good quality basket, or be awesome eggs. That wasn’t true this week. The fact I gave the “MVP” award to a commentator should tell you what an underwhelming show it was. It does have another famous Raw upset with PJ Walker going over IRS, but because I hate PJ Walker I didn’t enjoy the angle. It had nothing on the Kid-Razor upset.