James Dixon: Back to Poughkeepsie, where there is a hot crowd as usual. Vince McMahon hosts with Bobby Heenan and Randy Savage, who has a big “summit” tonight with Crush.
The Steiner Brothers vs. Tony DeVito & PJ Walker
The jobber team today are both future ECW alumni. DeVito looks a real state here, all pudgy with a mullet. Scott Steiner is wearing tights that make him look like the setting sun. After a quick run spot, he murders DeVito with a goddamn dragon suplex, and then Rick comes in to smash Walker with a vicious powerslam and a Steinerline. Scott wants some of that action, because beating up Justin Credible is a pleasure that everyone can enjoy. And a pleasure it is, because Scott wipes him out with a STEINER M*TH*RF*CK*NG SCREWDRIVER. I mean, holy sh*t! The announcers have a collective embolism at what they have just seen. PJ is dead, but Scott forces him to tag DeVito back in, and The Steiners finish him off with their top rope bulldog. Watching Rick and Scott Steiner demolish jobbers is about as much fun as wrestling can get. This was sick but awesome.
Final Rating: **¼
IRS vs. Scott Taylor
We have top line jobbers on hand tonight! After what we just saw, this match is like taking the Christmas decorations down. IRS runs through his usual tired shtick, and it was well overplayed by 1993, believe me, but he still has two years left in him. IRS is as boring in squash matches as he is in competitive ones, and the tedious bastard sits in a chinlock for a minute. IN A SQUASH MATCH! I get that a heel shouldn’t do moves that might get popped, but heels can work in an entertaining fashion too, this is still entertainment after all. To follow the thrilling excitement of the chinlock, IRS uses an abdominal stretch. Get off the screen you unspeakably boring man. Write-off finishes. This was the opposite of The Steiner’s match, and a perfect example of how not to do a squash. Just pathetic.
Final Rating: DUD
Jeff Jarrett is coming to the WWF to try and promote his music career. Obviously, he is not coming just to wrestle. That would just be ridiculous. I quite like Jeff Jarrett post-1998, but I cannot stand this gimmick because I hate country music, as everyone should. How do you spell Jeff Jarrett’s name again?
Tatanka vs. Iron Mike Sharpe
This is like a jobber supercard now! All we need now is Barry Horowitz and Duane Gill and we have the complete set. Tatanka wrestles every week, on every show, and does near enough the same match. How the hell did the guy manage to be so exposed on TV and go no-where at all? I can’t tell if the crowd is into this or not because I can’t hear them over Mike Sharpe’s selling. I do manage to catch some of the commentary though, and it is not about the match but rather an unbelievable vicious diatribe from Randy Savage, shooting on Hulk Hogan. It is so good and so unnecessary, that it is transcribed in full in The Raw Recap at the end. Oh, Tatanka wins with the End of Trail, but you already knew that.
Final Rating: ½*
Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Dennis Diamond
The streak of “main event” jobbers ends, because I have no idea who Diamond is. I have literally nothing at all to write about this. Bigelow goes over with a slingshot headbutt. Next…
Final Rating: ½*
Promo Time: Crush
Making his return from injury after Yokozuna crushed his ribs, and he shocks the crowd by coming out with Mr. Fuji. Crush for some reason, talks like Alberto Del Rio in his promos. He has the same accent, inflections, everything. He also shouts, because he is terrible at interviews, and shouting is what people who are terrible at interviews do. Crush says that he and Savage were best friends, brah, but Savage gave him bad advice, brah. He says Savage sat and watched as Crush, brah, got Banzai Dropped three times, brah. He has a point I suppose, but at the same time, Crush shouldn’t be so useless that he has to rely on someone else all the time or having been dumb enough to have gotten himself in that situation to get hurt in the first place. This Crush heel turn never made any sense to me at the time, and it still doesn’t now. Savage comes in the ring to confront Crush, saying he is making a mistake and that they are friends. Savage offers him a handshake, but Crush says it is too late, brah. Heenan tries to stir the pot some more, and Crush appears conflicted and shoves him away. Crush eventually shakes Savage’s hand and they go to walk to the back, and then the inevitable happens and Crush whacks him. Crush beats on Savage on the outside and Yokozuna waddles to the ring with Jim Cornette, and a Banzai Drop follows. Yoko goes for another but a bunch of referees pull him out. After commercial, Vince updates us on Savage’s condition, saying that he has “lacerated his tongue” before talking about how much biting your tongue hurts. Biting your tongue? Really, Vince? Is that the acceptable maximum level of violence in the WWF these days?
THE RAW RECAP
Most Entertaining: Scott Steiner. Furious will be very upset that he didn’t get to see Scott pulverise PJ Walker into oblivion. The man was a machine of destruction.
Least Entertaining: IRS. A disgraceful performer, who always managed to give the fans exactly what they didn’t want to see, and lived down to his expectations here. It is not being a good heel, it is lazy and tiresome.
Quote of the Night: “I’m telling Hogan right now too, sitting and watching the TV: he wants to come over here and do it face-to-face right here on Raw? Then come on down! Because I think Hogan’s a prima donna, a backstabber and he’s a liar. And he thinks he’s the messiah walking around the face of the earth, and there’s only one power and that’s up above brother, and that’s the way that it is… I’m worried that Crush has been talking to Hogan, and Hogan’s ego is bigger than he is” – Randy Savage goes off into an incredible shoot assault on Hulk Hogan. I have no idea what the motivations were, but it sure was interesting to listen to!
Match of the Night: The Steiner Brothers vs. PJ Walker & Tony DeVito. This is how a squash match should be.
Summary: Where was all the wrestling? We didn’t even get one token marquee match, unless Mike Sharpe is now suddenly a “superstar” and not just a jobber. This was a weak episode of Raw, and achieved little of consequence other than the ill-advised Crush heel turn. Scott Steiner saves this from being a complete washout, but if ever an episode of Raw was missable, it’s this one.