Arnold Furious: We open up with Bobby Heenan chastising Bastion Booger for eating too much food before a big match. There’s grease and such all over his chest. Booger responds with “ITS RAW!” Well, of course it is. We’re in Poughkeepsie, New York. Hosts are Vince McMahon and Bobby Heenan in a strangely satisfying but less manic two man team. Vince runs down what’s on tap and there’s only one squash match on this show.
Razor Ramon vs. Bastion Booger
Razor is the NEW Intercontinental champion but Booger hasn’t earned a title shot so this is non-title. Anyone whose entrance music includes farting shouldn’t get title shots. That should be one of those New York Rules. Booger is a disgusting fat piece of shit and Razor has no idea what to do with him. Bobby Heenan distracts to say it’s his birthday to which Vince responds that nobody cares. A bit harsh! I care. Happy Birthday, Bobby. Booger waddles through some tame offence. It makes you wonder why they didn’t abort this push at day one. After all, Friar Ferguson didn’t last this long. Razor tries to employ superhero psychology, which shows you he’s a babyface now. He fails with a slam and gets powerslammed for his troubles. Booger keeps going to a sloppy bearhug, which is the trademark of a bad wrestler. He puts no effort into it at all, unless you consider him bending slightly as effort. For Booger…that is effort. Vince turns on this calling it a “rather lethargic matchup”. You booked it! Have you never seen Mike Shaw before? Razor manages that scoop slam and calls for the Razor’s Edge, which is never going to happen. The sight of Booger’s inside leg fat makes me puke in my mouth a bit. Booger does his usual of sitting on his opponent with his arms in the air, like an idiot, and Razor, like everyone else, hooks the arms with his legs for the pin. The match sucked and I’ve seen that finish in almost every Booger match, which shows you how lazy he was.
Final Rating: ¼*
Video Control has the Survivor Series Report, which for once is worthwhile as the Survivor Series card chopped and changed more than any other major show in memory. Joe Fowler has been dumped for Todd Pettengill. Todd stops off to shill Riddick Bowe vs. Evander Holyfield first. I’m guessing the PPV companies were owed a favour. Pettengill focuses on Tatanka’s misfortune. Ludvig Borga puts paid to Tatanka’s unbeaten streak (which mostly involved jobbers) before the Foreign Fanatics jump him. Given they’re not sure what’s happening with the Survivor Series card, that’s it for the update.
Promo Time: Foreign Fanatics
Jim Cornette speaks on their behalf so it’s all good. Jimmy says that Tatanka is done. Johnny Polo gets words too and, believe it or not, he’s more entertaining than Cornette. Vince suggests that Scott Steiner might eliminate Ludvig Borga from Survivor Series next week. Borga vs. Scott is next week on Raw. Cornette, in closing, goes into a literary frenzy. “And then there were none”.
Mr. Perfect vs. The Executioner
As per usual, The Executioner is one of the duo of masked jobbers. I think it’s Duane Gill this week as he’s thinner and taller than Barry Hardy. Perfect lets Gill get a slice of the match. Heenan gets into a ruck with Vince on commentary about Chief Jay Strongbow and the Indian Deathlock. Let’s face it, Vince’s memory is scrappy at best. This might be Perfect’s last TV squash match as his back was injured again. He’d miss Survivor Series because of it. He’s noticeably slower and less inclined to take moves. Gill gets very little after his opening spots and Perfect, after stalling with submission attempts on the leg, finishes with the Perfectplex. His celebrations seem a little overblown but he must have known he was hurt and was saying goodbye.
Final Rating: ½*
Video Control has J-E-DOUBLE F, J-A-DOUBLE R-E-DOUBLE T. Ain’t he great? Jarrett actually nails the promo calling Billy Ray Cyrus useless and untalented. He sure was. Jeff claims to be the best country singer in the world, which wouldn’t take much doing. He also wants to smack Razor Ramon around. Tenuous link.
The Smoking Gunns vs. Well Dunn
Well Dunn (Timothy Well and Stephen Dunn. Get it?) weren’t quite a jobber team. They had Harvey Wippleman as a manager, had a gimmick (of sorts, I think they were supposed to be strippers – bow ties and thongs?) and they won matches on lesser shows. So it’s interesting to see them used as enhancement here. Raw’s stock was certainly on the rise as 1993 progressed. Given that Well Dunn aren’t a total jobber team they do a bit of mat wrestling. Dunn isn’t bad on the mat and would have been a decent jobber. Well Dunn don’t have much continuity and struggle to get heat going. Timothy Well is undoubtedly the lesser of the duo and as soon as he tags in to work over Bart, it’s a chinlock. That’s all he’s got in singles. He worked Puerto Rico and a lot of the guys from there seem to struggle in the PG-13 environment. The double teaming all seems to involve Irish whip reversals. It’s all a bit tame, which is why Well Dunn never moved up the tag division. Heenan makes a great joke about Well Dunn on Raw and how ironic that is and it goes totally over Vince’s head. Heenan ends up having to insert the line “medium rare” for it to finally click. Vince never seemed to get those wordplay gags, which is weird because loads of WWF wrestlers had wordplay names. Hot(ish) tag to Billy and we get a messy cleaning house segment. Billy is sloppy as hell. Harvey Wippleman trips him up for the DQ. A DQ? They protected Well Dunn? Holy crap, just job them out. Nobody cares about Well Dunn.
Final Rating: ½*
Interview Time: Vince McMahon calls up Randy Savage to ask how he’s doing. Turns out he’s ok but you can hear a lisp from where he bit his tongue. Bobby Heenan asks if he can say “sufferin’ succotash”? A slight tangent but did you know sufferin’ succotash was a slight variation on the blasphemous “suffering saviour”? Swearing has changed over the years.
Adam Bomb vs. Virgil
Another jobber replacement in Virgil. Were the jobbers union (Light Counters 121 and Ham & Eggers local) on strike this week or something? Virgil gets to boss the early going. I would have given him nothing. Virgil wasn’t worth anything after his DiBiase feud finished. Virgil’s domination is such he has time to run Harvey Wippleman around the ring before hitting a pescadom with Bomb just standing around like an idiot waiting for it. Virgil was always a poor wrestler but his sloppy work is made all the worse against Bomb, who’s selling looks goofy and timing isn’t good. Virgil bounces off Bomb on a rope move, which looked like a horrible botch and the powerbomb finishes. Another bad match in a night of them. I think this was supposed to be our marquee match of the evening. Unless that was the opener?
Final Rating: ½*
THE RAW RECAP
Most Entertaining: Jim Cornette and Johnny Polo. In a week where the wrestling was dire, the managers stepped up in the interviews.
Least Entertaining: Bastion Booger.
Quote of the Night: “It’s like the Hindenburg going down” – Bobby Heenan on Bastion Booger going over the top rope.
Match of the Night: The Smoking Gunns vs. Well Dunn. Despite being a slapdash, boring tag team match that failed at everything it attempted and didn’t even have a finish.
Summry: When I saw the line up for this show I thought we were onto a winner. A lack of jobber matches is usually a good thing, but here it wasn’t. The wrestling was uninspired with poor combinations. Sometimes it felt like the WWF’s approach to booking guys was throwing names into a hat. Razor Ramon vs. Bastion Booger? Who the hell dreamed that match up?