James Dixon: Oh come on! You have got to be kidding me? This is the tape I have to review? I am have clearly been screwed worse than Joanie Laurer here. Randy Savage hosts this, in what is surely the biggest waste of his talent possible.
WWF Superstars – ‘WrestleMania’
I don’t even know what I am supposed to say. For those unaware of what this is, it’s 90’s cartoon wrestlers talking over the top of a never ending ditty, which goes: “Whoa whoa WrestleMania / yeah this is our life / pump it up pump it up / whoa whoa WrestleMania / fighting to survive / just like that just like that”. The song is so bad that it has gone full circle and become a cult classic in its own way, though with who I am not quite sure. Hell, Linda McMahon used it (sans lyrics) as her theme tune. Instant credibility! The song is interspersed with footage of WWF superstars killing jobbers, with a Smoking Gunns backbody drop piledriver combo especially catching the eye. Though, why Mean Gene has to shout:: “Who will survive?” is beyond me. This is WrestleMania pal, not Survivor Series. A dreadful song, but a fairly decent video.
Savage loses his mind, singing along to the lyrics before talking about how much pride Tatanka has, then spinning around three times to take us to some footage of the feud between Bam Bam Bigelow and Tatanka. Yeah, Savage was batshit crazy. We get highlights of Sensational Sherri hijacking Bam Bam’s interview segment with Ray Rougeau, which annoys Bigelow. who threatens her. Tatanka saves the day and dropkicks him off the stage, then dives off onto him and they brawl. It is not a bad segment, but the best part is seeing whether Sherri’s ample waps make their inevitable way out of her inappropriate dress. Sadly, the footage finishes before we can find out. In the next segment, Bigelow beats Tatanka up backstage, preventing him from competing in a match and cutting off his ridiculous red Mohawk. What a bastard! That is the end of the clip. The whole segment was just a tool to promote a feud between Tatanka and Bigelow, with no pay-off of any kind, and certainly no sign of a match? So what the hell was it doing on a music video tape!? I am flummoxed.
“Chuck, Chuck the flying duck” barks Savage at a random Coliseum Video technician. The men in white coats are on their way. Savage goes onto say how Randy Savage is a good friend of his, but don’t ever owe him any money. He then stands up and shouts “FAMILY! FAMILY!” at the room. WHAT IS THIS GUY SMOKING!?
Bret Hart against Bam Bam Bigelow from Raw is joined at the end! Jerry Lawler prevents a Sharpshooter by turning up in the crowd and badgering Hart’s parents, doing a pretty good Stu Hart impression. This goes no-where, and they cut to the end of Hart vs. Lawler at SummerSlam. God forbid there is any wrestling shown on this wrestling tape. Anyone who cares about the match can check out Furious’ review elsewhere, all we get here is Hart putting on the Sharpshooter and not letting go, causing a reverse decision. And once again, the point of this entire segment was…?
“Sometimes you gotta go backwards to go forwards, sometimes you gotta sink to the lowest depths before you can reach the greatest heights”. Like doing this video, Randy? “Let’s get happy” says Savage as he goes off into another wild rant, before using his “magic finger” to press play on the next music video. Savage’s insanity should be obvious to everyone by now.
WWF Superstars – ‘SummerSlam Jam’
Slam Jam is essentially the same tune as the Mania one, only with the new and exciting lyrics: “Slam! It’s the slam jam” over and over and over. Whoever wrote this went onto become a songwriter for Justin Bieber… probably. You can’t call yourself a wrestling fan until you have heard The Undertaker “sing” the lyrics “The Undertaker says: slam!” This has been heavily politically edited to remove Davey Boy Smith (who had been fired since the song was first produced) and various others. Still, really rather awful in every way, with a weak song not improved by a half-assed video. For the love of God, Vince, they are wrestlers, just let them wrestle!
“I’m pretty, I’m pretty, I’m pretty” Savage tells a bemused make-up artist after dancing with her. JUST SAY NO! After another insane segue, we get, not a match, but a knockdown challenge between Yokozuna and Hacksaw Jim Duggan. The purpose of this is to see if Duggan can knock Yokozuna off his feet. He can. Fuck off with your moronic booking and your awful wrestlers, Vince. “This is reminiscent of 1941” bemoans Jerry Lawler. “That’s EXACTLY what it is!” shouts an indignant and patriotic Vince McMahon. The reference is of course Pearl Harbor, not that there is any lingering resentment… The lame knockdown challenge is followed by an ok angle where Yokozuna crushes Duggan with a bunch of Banzai Drops, causing him to bleed internally. Anything where Duggan gets squashed is fine with me.
Gorilla Monsoon is brought into the studio, probably after a desperate call from the producer, in order to try and bring some sanity to proceedings. Unfortunately the tape takes a drastic turn for the worse, as we go to Duggan’s “USA” video.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan – ‘USA’
Duggan talks over yet another generic 90’s electro-pop backing track, before shouting “USA, U U U USA… Hooooo” during the chorus. Well I assume it’s the chorus, it is hard to tell because after a couple of bars of the song, Duggan gets sick of sing-talking and just repeats those lines. Over. And over. And OVER. The look of determination and aggression in Duggan’s eyes as he sings about how he beats people up, bears all the hallmarks of a violent sociopath. This is one of the worst things I have ever seen.
According to Savage, the people who work behind the scenes are the real heroes, and he name checks Kevin Dunn and Kerwin Silfies, among others. Yeah, I wonder who penned that segment? *cough* Dunn *cough* Any other dicks we need to jerk off before we wrap this thing up?
Randy Savage – ‘Speaking From The Heart’
No. No! NO! Imagine the most nonsensical Savage promo reduced to the odd random word or phrase (“freak out”), spliced over a dreadful music track, with awful backing singers repeating some overly aggrandizing lyrics ad nauseum. This is a colossal pile of drek of the highest order.
Summary: An entirely pointless tape. A complete waste of 45-minutes, that anyone who has suffered through it will never get back. The music videos are bad and the songs that accompany them are worse. The rest of the tape is random segments from long forgotten feuds, with nothing even close to resembling a wrestling match. The only redeeming thing about this feature is watching Savage exude immense amounts of crazy. Not exactly enough to make this worth owning, or even acknowledging, ever again.