#WWF261 – Divas – Postcard From The Caribbean

James Dixon: Hosted by Shane McMahon’s wife Marissa Mazzola-McMahon, oddly enough. The tape is based around a RAW Magazine shoot from in the Dominican Republic, mostly set on a beach, featuring Trish, Tori, Terri, Ivory and Miss Kitty. Terri shrieks like a banshee as she splashes in the waves and Tori says she loves what they are doing. I can believe that. Trish talks us through a typical day, getting up at 5am to get dolled up, which is something that reminds Ivory that this is work and not all fun in the sun. Yeah, tough break. According to Ivory, the “work” is rewarding and everyone brings something different to the table. The only difference between them that I can see is how much they are willing to take their clothes off, with Miss Kitty being at the sluttiest end of the scale.


Trish teases by promising nudity, but Marisa quickly interjects that this doesn’t happen, though points out that the beaches are so secluded that it could. A few of the girls do get their bazongas out, but obviously cover them up. They should have taken them to somewhere like Spain, where all the girls have their funbags out on the beaches over there. The amount of fake smiling on this tape already is nearly on a par with the amount of fake tits.


Miss Kitty
“I’m really not a wrestler” says Kitty, before adding: “Two girls wrestling each other? I don’t think that’s what people really wanna see”. Well, that about sums her up, doesn’t it? God forbid people want to see wrestling on a wrestling show! Marissa describes Kat as having a “carefree attitude”, which means she is easy and open to showing off all of her assets while her future husband knocks one out under the announce table. The clichéd sexy video follows, with slow motion highlights of Kat doing such thrilling things as… nothing at all, actually. She just stands there looking into the distance like a vapid idiot. We see the travesty of Kitty winning the WWF Women’s Title in a swimming pool match at Armageddon, as great pioneers of women’s wrestling the Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young look on. Horrible. After the match Kitty promised to strip, and she did, whipping off her shirt to reveal her pert little boobies. She is one of very few examples of honest to goodness titties that the WWF has delivered on. Kitty says that Miss Kitty is playful and the Kat is more vicious, but in real life she is more the former. Oh she is playful alright, just ask Jack Dupp. Another fascinating slow motion video follows, which features Kitty standing up in a pool and then… closing her eyes. To the infamous Royal Rumble 2000 swimsuit competition, where the girls did everything but strip completely naked while Jerry Lawler hosted and acted like a giddy undersexed teenager. We see all of the girls involved (Ivory, Terri, Luna, Jacqueline, BB) and then Kat’s outfit, which is just bubble wrap covering her treats. And then because it is the WWF, Mae Young came out and showed “all her fans her puppies” and won the contest. What the hell was this? “Images of the Kat get the imagination going every time” says secret lesbian Mazzola. Then to wrap up Kat’s segment, exactly what we needed: another slow motion video. Marissa says she wants to be involved in a cat fight because it looks fun to roll around… Ookay. Repressing anything there, love?


Ivory’s voice is pretty damn annoying. Her character is supposed to be, but she sounds like that when she sits down and talks normally too. “New is good” she says, and talks about liking new experiences, describing one from this trip that saw a dude climb a palm tree barefoot and acquire some baby woodpeckers. You wouldn’t expect this on a wrestling tape. We see some in ring footage of Ivory, with her feud against Tori covered and highlights from their crap match at SummerSlam 1999 shown. “Wrestling is like a good dance, timing is everything” she says. Oh man, the irony! Especially after highlights from that match where they made a mess of various spots. Next we see the really fun women’s hardcore match between the same opponents that also features on the Hardcore tape. It goes too far at the end, with a mirror smashed over Tori’s head and Ivory branding her with an iron, but Tori does the whole match in a very revealing thong, so as a red blooded male I can’t complain too much. And now, another video set to music, though with less slow motion stuff than in the Kat one because Ivory is far less of a willing stripper and poser. Her feature gets wrapped up quickly, and it is around half the length of Kat’s. If that.


According to Tori, seeing the sun rise and feeling the rays on her body is “a gift”. She is easily pleased. Her bio starts out with the slow-mo video, which is just swell. She also calls being “part of the WWF machine” a gift. Every day is Christmas to her it seems. We see the angle from SmackDown! where Tori turned heel on Kane and joined forces with DX, because the writers all had issues with women that they wanted to cathartically resolve on screen through others. Tori puts over her acting ability when Kane has her by the throat for a chokeslam, and then we see the ‘Big Red Machine’ drill her with a Tombstone. Marissa puts her over as being as tough as the men, and we see her splashing Bubba Ray Dudley through a table to emphasise that. Tori talks about her passion for yoga, which she does for three hours a day rather than spending much time in the gym. “Each curve is carefully crafted” says Marissa with more than a hint of lust, then calls her body a work of art. We see the bizarre practice of all-over body painting that she partakes in, which is just too strange for words. The appeal is completely lost on me. Tori discusses the balance she looks to strike between muscled and aggressive and being too intimidating, as Marissa puts her over some more. Boy, does she want to be on that beach.


Trish Stratus
Eventually Trish became a very competent in-ring performer, but here she was still just eye candy. She is fantastic eye candy though, and by far the most attractive girl on the tape. Her slow-mo video provides plenty of shots of her clad in revealing thongs, erotically holding her hair and pouting. And then she talks about her love of comics… Yes, as well as being stunning she is also a geek, making her even more desirable. Ah the old classic, the hose pipe on the white t-shirt, with plenty of nipple action going on here. We see the silly Bubba Ray Dudley-Trish feud, where Bubba became infatuated with her and unable to “get wood” and put her through a table as he desired. During this Trish cut a very odd sensual promo describing her passion for tables, getting turned on by “long ones” and “rubbing them down after use”. Instead of seeing the top rope powerbomb through a table payoff, we get Marissa purring over her and yet another video -yes it is slowed down- this time featuring lots of sand and animal references. It goes on forever.


Oh man, not Terri. “She’s got a smokin’ body” says Marissa, no longer trying to repress anything. Terri says she doesn’t see herself in any grand light, but that she knows people like her ass, but she thinks it is too bubbly. Cue the video and more from Marissa: “It’s what’s on the inside that counts, but looking at Terri it is easy to forget”. Terri reveals that she is naturally a ginge! No wonder she calls herself the “she-Devil”. We get a few clips of Terri getting involved in matches, and Bubba putting her through a table, very safely. She admits she is not a wrestler and doesn’t want to be one… and then she worked the women’s match at WrestleMania 2000. Astonishingly, it is the only singles match on the show, and we see highlights from it here. It only goes a couple of minutes but it is a disaster. “The hardest thing for me is the waiting” she complains about the paid vacation to the Caribbean where she is pampered beyond belief.


Marissa talks about the RAW Magazine photo shoot, implying that the guy who has to go through all the pictures knocks a cheeky one out while he is pouring over them. We meet him, and he talks us through the finer points of picking the right photo for the magazine cover. So, how does one go about getting his job…?


Summary: This is definitely not a wrestling tape, that much is for certain. There is almost no wrestling on here at all, but there is plenty of footage of five sun-kissed women splashing around in pools, pouting at cameras and beaming big fake smiles, all while Mrs. Shane McMahon allows her “experimental” side to be revealed to the world. Guys who bought this looking for more than the WWF shows on television will be left sorely (literally) disappointed, while I can’t any reason girls would want to watch this, unless they want their self esteem shredding. So really, the whole thing is a completely pointless affair. Then again, they churned out dozens of these things over the years so obviously someone was buying them, I just can’t quite work out who. From my perspective though, this is not recommended at all.
Verdict: 10

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