James Dixon: Yes, it is another tape dedicated to the WWF’s fairer sex contingent, with the usual promise of breasts that aren’t delivered upon. This time we are in Jamaica. WWF Senior Photo Editor Noelle Soper gets booted off the beach because she is in shot and her breasts are too natural, presumably, before she discusses the shoot in past tense before we have even seen it. She tells us that over 20,000 pictures were shot, which is a ridiculous number. For those interested in this sort of thing, the girls choose their own clothes. Noelle talks about the hard life the Divas all have, as we see shots of the girls basking in the sun. It certainly looks tough.
We start with my favourite haggard Diva, who lets some locals paint her up while she stands there with her shirt off and her arm covering her tits. Terri says she wants to represent the WWF, which is a horrific thought. What is she a representation of? Someone with no wrestling talent who married into the business and got a spot based on a willingness to flash her ass and get implants? Terri reconnects with her roots as she rides some horses, then claims to be allergic to them. Nice try. “For some reason, everyone associates me with horses” she says. Gee, I wonder why!? This whole bio is one of the fluffiest pieces of glad-handing trite I have ever seen, and nothing she says here means anything at all.
I have noticed this before, but Jacqueline talks like a female Stephen Hawking. Her interview is even less interesting than Terri’s. Did you know that in her spare time she likes shopping and hanging out with friends!? What an animal, huh? Oh, and she is proud of her ass: “I have such a small round butt, like an onion”. She then turns from female Hawking into every black stereotype ever, all rolled into one unintelligible package. It’s like listening to Faarooq but with the addition of enormous silicone honkers. We don’t get many sexy shots of Jacqueline during this, but instead footage of her in the ring. That is for the best as wrestling is definitely her better quality, because she isn’t exactly a looker and her promo skills are worse than Dean Malenko’s.
Tori gets all philosophical about the pace of life in Jamaica, and calls the culture “more evolved” than in America because the folk over there are kinder to each other and are not swamped in commercialism and TV culture. Kind of a strange thing to say for a woman representing an American based global corporation that makes the majority of its money from television rights and sponsorship… Tori then puts on some burlesque outfits and does some squats, with her full areola area clearly visible in some shots. Thus it is delightfully ironic when Tori talks about the things that you don’t see being more exciting. Ah the good old slow motion video makes a comeback, with an awful lot of footage of Tori bending over while wearing revealing thongs. No prizes for guessing her position of choice. Tori goes diving in the sea for the first time, overcoming her previous fears, then revealing her antisocial side as she talks about the potential for escape underwater to get away from the real world.
“There’s just so many locations to shoot at” says Trish. There sure is; the beach, the pool, further up the beach, deeper in the pool, even further up the beach. She shows a surprising childlike delight at the daily appearance and disappearance of the sun and then takes up waterskiing for the first time and says “it’s a lot like skiing”. Yep, she is blonde alright. “I was supposed to be a doctor” she later claims. Sure you were love, sure you were.
Here is someone I just don’t understand the appeal of. She looks like someone in her fifties trying to dress herself up as a younger woman. She makes me chuckle by referring to her “Debra character”, which is a laugh because her so called character is just the same hick she is in real life but with a low cut suit on. She says she is really, really sensitive and doesn’t like large groups of people, which makes one immediately question her decision to get into wrestling. “I wanted to be in soaps”. I see. Debra talks about then husband Steve Austin and says he is a strong personality, but she likes that because she doesn’t want a man she can push around. No, apparently she prefers a man who can push her around… Debra overcomes her fear of heights to dick around on a trapeze, because she would have regretted it for the rest of her life if she hadn’t, apparently.
Chyna spends a lot of time pointing out that she is a girl who likes girly things, and that people shouldn’t get the wrong idea from the way she looks. She reckons that once people hear her voice they change their perception of her. They sure do; once they hear that grating nasal whine they want to leave the room. Chyna talks about the shoot and talks about the “odd looking plants” in Jamaica. You might know them as trees. She then claims to have picked bold colours for all of her outfits for the shoot that represent her personality. Then they show her in bright pink. Yes, we get it, she is a girl! Of the outfits, she says there is “something very Chyna about them, but without the black leather”. So, not very Chyna at all then. She talks a bit more and at one point refers to some coffee as “Chynalicious”. How did Trips put up with her for so long!?
Most of this is also featured on the Lita tape which came out two releases before this. “It’s hard to piss me off” says Lita, who professes to be mellow. We see footage from the shoot on a beach, which is apparently not typically clichéd according to our gal, because she had never done it before. Yeah, it might not be clichéd for you, but the whole practice sure is. She goes over her journey into wrestling via Mexico and her current relationship with the Hardy Boyz. She considers their relationship with her to be “brotherly”, which is pretty sick when you think about it. She mentions how she loves being on the road but enjoys going home to pay bills and remember what her place looks like. Remember what it looks like!? From the footage we have seen of her house on various releases, there is nothing even in it! Talk moves on to her tattoo which she says was unplanned (no kidding) and that it represents her spontaneity from when she was in Amsterdam. Her stupidity more like; it’s horrid. Apparently her exposed thong look came about when she bought one and showed it to EDGE, saying of her pants that she “pulled them down for him… but not in that way!” in order to show him how it looked. Wow, this shit writes itself.
Noelle sums things up for us by pointing out how women in wrestling have never been portrayed this way in the past. Well yeah, but who the hell would have wanted to see the likes of the Fabulous Moolah, Judy Martin or – God help us – Bertha Faye like this anyway? “I have never seen such great photography from a sports entertainment company as what we are gonna have in this magazine” says Noelle. Wow, that goofy WWF-speak really sounds extra stupid when you hear it used in sentences like that.
Summary: The relative lack of slow-motion videos that offer nothing makes this a little better than Divas – Postcard From The Caribbean, and is really more a series of brief bios featuring a few gratuitous shots here and there. Some of the pieces are okay, others are screamingly dull, it depends who is featured, but they are all so brief that it doesn’t really matter. Once again, who the tape appeals to outside of undersexed perverts, I don’t really know. If that is you, pick this tape up and get your jollies on, but for the rest of us who like wrestling for the, you know, wrestling, it is a definite miss. Avoid.