#WWE59345 – Divas – Undressed

James Dixon: The title of this release implies much. What could it mean? Is it finally time for WWE to shed their strict no nudity rule and show off its females in all their glory? Perhaps the meaning is not so literal, and the “undressed” refers to going deeper into the personalities of the Divas, away from the hair, make-up, and skimpy clothing. It’s neither, sadly. Instead, this is a competition between the girls held at WWE New York, which they have dubbed the “Thong-A-Thon”. The winner gets a trophy, the prestigious golden thong trophy, no less. Who wouldn’t want a disembodied golden ass on their mantelpiece?


Jonathan Coachman is your host, and he introduces the competition’s judges: Maven, who looks happy to be doing something, Paul Heyman, who looks furious about being involved in this, Al Snow, who always looks happy, Jazz, who is too unappealing on the eye to be involved in the contest, and Edge, who as we all know, enjoys a nude Diva here and there.


“You know, this is a serious competition,” says the always full of shit Michael Cole, who has been dragged out of bed to commentate on this thing with Jerry Lawler. The King looks so giddy to be there that I worry he might have an episode. Lawler, sex pest that he is, reveals that he has set up a hidden camera in the women’s locker room, with the intention of spying some unwitting nekkid women. You can get yourself locked up for that kind of behaviour.


Seeing as this is a competition, let’s stave off the desire to smash our head into a table at the prospect of the exploitative madness, and play along. I will get into the WWE mindset by abandoning principles and respect for women, and instead view them purely as objects for me to ogle and jerk off over. Thus, in each category I will rank the girls out of ten for their performances.


Coach introduces the lingerie-clad competitors, who have to walk out to their music, turn around, and walk back again. Let’s see if they can all manage that, shall we? Stacy Keibler (9) looks innocent and comely in a white lace number, while Linda Miles (2) goes for the opposite look in a black one piece. Dawn Marie (5) has a saggy ass compared to the others, but she is not shy about showing it off. Torrie Wilson (8) is hotter than hell, but there is something about the vapidity in her eyes that puts me off. “Does she have a boyfriend?” – Lawler. “Yeah! I don’t know if they are serious though.” Poor Kidman. Trailer park trash Nidia (7) has a filthy quality about her demeanour that makes me like her. She is not used to this sort of thing though, and can barely walk on the ramp without falling in her heels. Terri Runnels (1) is vile. Paul Heyman likes her, and takes photos with his disposable camera. Jackie Gayda (4) has picked a bad outfit. I don’t get her appeal at all. Trish Stratus (9) would score full marks if her outfit was a mite more revealing. Oh god, they run an angle! Jazz jumps Trish with a crutch and pounds on her, bringing the segment to a screaming halt.


The scores so far then:

– Trish     9

– Stacy     9

– Torrie    8

– Nidia     7

– Dawn    5

– Jackie   4

– Linda    2

– Terri      1


Cole and Lawler discuss the implications of Trish potentially having to pull out. King thinks Jazz should be fired as a result of her actions. Backstage, Jackie and Stacy argue about which of them is going to win. Rico turns up and berates them for arguing. Meanwhile, Coach catches a word with the judges. Edge is still giddy about getting paid to look at half naked girls. Maven says nothing has ever been so hard. Oo-er. Coach brings up the odd situation Al finds himself in, where he is having to ogle women who he mentored while on Tough Enough. He reckons he will get through it. Paul Heyman can barely contain himself as he describes his urge to smack asses, so Coach cuts him off before he goes too far.


Meanwhile, Molly Holly protests outside the building, opposed to the notion of women being treated as sex objects. Naturally, that makes her a heel in WWE. She is in the wrong company. We then check in on Lawler’s perv cam, which spies a topless Dawn Marie. In Naked Gun style, her assets are covered at convenient moments by Rico, who stands right in front of the camera. “Wow, I have never seen one of those down there before. It’s so cute!” Let your minds wander at will.


It’s time for the Bra and Panties competition, which is basically identical to the previous category, with the girls scantily clad and walking down the aisle. If anything, they are wearing more clothes this time than they were before. Torrie Wilson (9) looks outstanding in her outfit, which leaves little to the imagination. At least she knows her strengths. Nidia (5) lets herself down with a poor choice of outfit, and her constant struggle to walk on the slippery floor is beginning to irritate me. Linda Miles (2) changes tact and goes for all-white, but that still doesn’t solve the issue of her manly face. Stacy Keibler (10) is pretty much perfect. Good lord, how did Test get inside of that. “I would like to kiss her right on the lips,” says Lawler. Jesus Chris, King. Jackie Gayda (7) has a better round, and earns more points purely for the amount of skin shown. Dawn Marie (7) also has a strong showing. And showing is the key word. Terri Runnels (1) will never score higher from me, even though she brings a chair out with her, bends over it, and gives the judges a glimpse of her dinner. Her performance leaves Al all flustered. Mae Young (0) crashes the party, giving me horror flashbacks of Royal Rumble 2000. Edge’s face is a picture. “Stop the pain! Stop the pain!” yells Mackle, and I agree with him.


The scores:

– Stacy     19

– Torrie    17

– Nidia     12

– Dawn    12

– Jackie   11

– Trish     9

– Linda    4

– Terri      2

– Mae       0


Back to King TV, where all the girls stand around unnaturally in front of the camera. Terri calls Nidia and Linda sexy, then Nidia hits on Terri. They decided to do a bra swap… then Terri comes up to the camera and yells at King through it. Busted. They send “all the way Mae” to punish him, and the old fossil gives the queasy Lawler a sexy dance. The Fabulous Moolah drags Mae away before she can do any irreparable damage to WWE’s relationship with their broadcast partners, tempting her with the prospect of an open bar. King nearly throws up in his crown.


Coach tries to grab a word with the judges, but Edge gets interrupted by the arrival on the stage of Molly Holly, clad in a long white dress with angel wings. Coach tells her she wasn’t invited and asks her why she is here. She rags on the other girls for being plastic, then defends herself against the ridiculous notion that she has a big ass. She doesn’t, she just isn’t a size 0 like all of the other unhealthy looking girls. In the minds of WWE scribes, that makes her fat. Security drags her away.


The next and final competition is the “fantasy free-for-all”, whatever that means. Nidia (7) goes for the farmer’s daughter look, and I approve. She would get it. Rico doesn’t approve, so decides to go and “do it himself”. Torrie Wilson (7) is the world’s sluttiest maid, but she loses marks for not revealing anything. Linda Miles (3) goes for the dominatrix look, which Paul Heyman loves. WWE evidently did as well, because that became her gimmick when she was rebranded as Shaniqua. She still looks like a bloke, but points for effort. Terri Runnels (1) isn’t wearing much. Her chocolate starfish practically pouts out of her thong. The camera cuts away to a wide shot. What a crock. She might have earned an extra point there. Dawn Marie (7) opts for pink chaps, and somehow they make her ass look better. It’s a good effort. Jackie Gayda (5) is dressed like an Indian princess, but she doesn’t show much. Stacy Keibler (10) is the clear winner in a schoolgirl outfit, complete with tiny skirt, pigtails and a low cut shirt. Good lord look at her! She almost makes this whole endeavour worthwhile. Like the last round, there is an unwelcomed eighth participant, Rico (2) who is of course a dude, yet still more feminine that Linda Miles, and still more doable that Terri.


My final scorecard:

– Stacy     29

– Torrie    24

– Nidia     19

– Dawn    19

– Jackie   16

– Trish     9

– Linda    7

– Terri      3

– Rico      2

– Mae       0


Jerry Lawler announces the winner, and it’s a crock of shit because Torrie Wilson is given the duke. Stacy complains that Torrie only won because she was sleeping with one of the judges. Torrie fires back that at least she is not sleeping with an old man, meaning Vince McMahon, and a mass cat fight breaks out as Jerry Lawler sings ‘There She Is, Miss America’ only with the words changed to “miss golden thong”. Absolutely bonkers.


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