WrestleMania 13

Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Goldust
These two had a match at Royal Rumble ’97 which was so bad it plunged into negative stars. I absolutely detest this feud, because I think both guys need to work with much better talents than themselves in order to have good matches. Hunter is a tedious heel and Goldust boring as a face, which obviously spells doom. If they couldn’t get motivated to wrestle in front of 60,000 at the Rumble, I don’t hold out much hope for them upping the ante for this, given that the whole show has been treated like a televised house show so far. How remarkable also, that when I write this in 2013, Hunter and Goldust are again involved in a television feud, as Hunter and his Authority go to war with the Rhodes family. Give me strength. Goldust starts stronger, and busts out the ten-punch in the corner and then spits in Chyna’s face. A classy move from a babyface. Not to worry though, Chyna is used to guys unloading their body fluids on her chiselled jaw… Oh man, I almost feel wrong for that one. Much like the Rumble disaster, Goldust has a lot of the match for a large portion of the early going, and while so far it is moderately better, it’s still not thrilling. They battle on the top and Goldust gets thrown face-first into the ring apron, right next to Chyna. Based on her expression, she is either bored or she has just passed wind. Sadly that spot means Hunter is now on the offensive, and much stomping ensues before he makes motions to Marlena at ringside. He really does have immensely horrid taste in women. Hunter uses the abdominal stretch, which JR tries to make interesting by referencing Wilbur Snyder, but it is lost on Vince and Lawler. The crowd is absolutely silent as Hunter goes to a chinlock, and then they make a dog’s dinner of a knucklelock pin spot, with the timing all over the place and the two failing to get the sequence right as far as which arm should come up and when. It is training school stuff. Goldust comes back but Hunter hits a DDT, and the use of the move as anything but a finisher is a massive pet hate of mine. Someone with the supposed wrestling brain of Helmsley should be able to see that it is driving someone onto their head, and thus should knock them out cold. It just shows a lack of creativity and wrestling sense when guys use it in that way. You see it all the time. Hunter comes off the top but gets caught with a butt-butt, or the “keister clobber” as Lawler calls it. We get a double down, for the second match running, which is either bad road agenting or the wrestlers not understanding their role and place on the card. Basic fundamentals again, that are seemingly lost on one of the self-professed greats. Flair-mark Helmsley busts out the corner flip and turns right back into a bulldog, as Chyna starts making her way around the ring to confront Marlena. Goldust goes for the Curtain Call which gets switched into a Pedigree, which gets switched again into a slingshot in a nice sequence. Goldust notices Marlena in danger and plucks her up onto the apron, but Trips nails Goldie from behind and he inadvertently knocks her into Chyna, who catches her and ragdolls her in a brilliantly vicious visual. The distraction allows Hunter to hit the Pedigree for the win, and Chyna dumps Marlena following the decision. Another boring match between these two, but far better than the Rumble bout. Then again, watching two cardboard cut-outs go at it would have been too, so that is hardly high praise.
Final Rating: *

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